i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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