chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize