I just threw up on my dentist
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
