On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
