I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
