So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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