This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
