I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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