There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
