Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
