They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
