Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
