What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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