lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize