it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
