True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
