Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
