Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
