I haven't been this sober since birth.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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