If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
