tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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