is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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