I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
