all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
