Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
