I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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