I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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