hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
