just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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