Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
