well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize