someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
