Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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