i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
