hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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