If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
being pregnant is like rehab
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
God, I missed his penis.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
