Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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