i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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