are you still at the devil's house?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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