My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
