I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
