I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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