anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
