Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
