I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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