then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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