They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
