Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Randomize
