rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
