is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize