i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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