I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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