I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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