one two three fourrrrnication!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
