My liver just broke up with me...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
