Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
