The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
