I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
