i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
