shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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