i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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